Anxious Preoccupied
to Earned Secure
Rewire Your Fear of Abandonment and build relationships with people who cherish & choose you
When you fall in love, that person doesn't just become important to you. They become the emotional center of your world. Their presence can make an ordinary day feel magical. A loving text can lift your mood for hours. But when they cancel plans or delay replying to you, all of the color immediately drains from your world. Suddenly, nothing feels more important than trying to figure out what you did wrong, and stop them from slipping away. It's as though your heart has been re-located inside someone else's body, and now the quality of your entire life is a direct reflection of the quality of your connection with them.
You Think...
If I can create enough connection, enough pleasantness, enough value, & enough devotion, then surely they'll stay and choose me
This leads to...
your partner asks for space, so you wait a couple hours before showing up at their door with flowers and a hand written letter telling them all the things you think would help them feel better.
you give and give and give by doing their laundry without being asked , babysitting their dog despite not having the time, and endlessly listen to their work drama without ever sharing your struggles, and then they still keep you at arm’s length
you hate that your partner doesn’t spend enough time with you and instead invests their time in video games or other hobbies that exclude you, but you stay in the relationship because of their potential.
you stay in a relationship for years hoping to have kids with someone who says they do not want kids because you assume that they will eventually come around and change their mind.
you become very angry and upset when see your crush is active online, yet they haven’t replied to your last 4 messages.
you find yourself fantasizing about your wedding and future children after one good date with someone new. You rush intimacy with them in an effort to secure the connection.
you ignore your partners often offensive jokes and behavior, telling yourself they’re really a good person at heart.
you often tell your partner things to make them jealous or act possessive because that gives you a reassuring feeling that they want you.
You know you're supposed to focus on yourself...
You try to keep busy with your own interests, but when your relationship gets stressful you stop making art, your dance class attendance becomes spotty, and your beach volleyball friends don't see you for weeks.
You lean on your sister for emotional support, but she violates your trust by talking about your personal life to all of your relatives. You know you need to set a boundary with her, but the thought of doing so causes you to crumble inside.
You fill your weekends with spa days and sound baths to help soothe and uplift you. You feel very peaceful afterward, but it doesn't take long before your abandonment wounds get triggered again and you're fighting for your life.
None of this reflects your worthiness of healthy committed love you can trust.
You want to build internal stability so that you can feel safe, cherished, and secure in relationships...
But you don't know how.
It's like something inside of you takes over the moment you feel you're about to be rejected or abandoned, and you launch into survival mode before you even realize what's happening.
You're chasing after people to give you the secure feeling of being cherished & chosen, which leads to resentment & anxiety instead of the stability you crave.
Your childhood conditioned you to maintain connection at any cost, even if it means abandoning yourself.
But your conditioning is not permanent.
It can change!
You can re-wire your abandonment wounds and learn to effectively self soothe so that you stop repeatedly seeking secure connection in relationships with people who cannot give it.
This is exactly what I teach in my Earned Secure coaching program!
Rewire your fear of abandonment by building the inner security you were never taught so that you can:
Recognize someone's dismissive, avoidant patterns right away so that you don't invest in a relationship with them.
Feel the hurt when someone dismisses you instead of swallowing it, so you leave before it it harms you.
Process your own emotions in real time so that you respond to disrespect in a poised, empowered way.
Define clear standards and non negotiables for all of your relationships and uphold them consistently through healthy, self-protective, kind communication.
Re-condition your childhood trauma that has you operating as though you can only be soothed by other people, kratom, alcohol, cannabis, or anything outside of yourself.
Learn to validate and celebrate yourself so that you naturally and effortlessly forget to fish for compliments or post thirst traps online.
Graciously allow someone to pay your way without feeling like you owe them something afterward.
Stop putting yourself in physically and emotionally dangerous situations so that healthy people feel comfortable being close to you.
How 1:1 Earned Secure Coaching Works
I'll ask you some questions about your present-life circumstances to draw out and isolate your patterns.
I will use this info to develop a personalized program that outlines how we will resolve your challenges using Integrated Attachment Theory tools.
Each session, you will be guided through exercises and tools that will help you better understand yourself, re-condition your patterns of self abandonment at the root, and help you move in the direction of 'earned secure' attachment.
All of your work and the relevant exercises will be provided on a collaborative google doc, shared between you and me.
I will use the doc to teach and help you learn neuroplasticity tools & emotional literacy principles. With practice you will internalize them completely, and this doc will allow you to review them anytime you need.
In order to get the best possible results, independent work is essential. I'll work with you to streamline your necessary effort so that it fits easily into your morning or evening routine.
Typical Personalized Plan for APs
We start with the inner work to spoil your inner child & develop trustworthy, nurturing connection with yourself
Sessions 1-2:
Discovery Questions & Goal Setting
Session 3-4:
Learn self-hypnosis tools to reprogram your abandonment and inadequacy wounds so that you stop getting triggered when someone pulls away.
Session 5:
Identify your relationship needs and begin priming your subconscious to actually receive them.
Session 6:
Nervous System Regulation & Somatic Processing tools to help you self soothe your strong emotions in real time.
Sessions 7-8:
Get to know yourself deeply by discovering your subconscious personality needs.
Then, we take your regulated & strengthened self into navigating healthy relationships with others
Sessions 9-10:
Life audit to identify where you need boundaries + reprogram your fears of setting them through careful exposure work
Sessions 11-12:
Learn healthy & effective conflict resolution tools that protect relationships
12-Session Program - Paid Per Session
$159 / Session
Coaching sessions typically take place every 2-3 weeks
Expect a small amount of daily homework between meetings
All sessions take place via zoom. In-person sessions may be available for St Petersburg, FL locals.
"I have to try hard to remember the events surrounding the experience or even what my triggers were after the event."
"...while I can remember that these [traumatic] events happened, there’s no longer the ‘sticky’ tie or large emotional reactions. In fact, most of the time I have to try hard to remember the events surrounding the experience or even what my triggers were after the event. I’m grateful to Rachel for her understanding of early wounds and the impact on the subconscious; it has truly made a wonderful difference in my life."
Solution Focused
We don't dwell on the past. We work with how the past is showing up in your life & relationships today, giving you practical skills & tools that will make an immediate difference.
Bust Attachment Myths
Attachment styles aren't permanent. We harness neuroplasticity to rewire the subconscious beliefs and behavior patterns that create secure, fulfilling relationships.
Client Centered
You are the expert on your own life. I won't tell you who to be or what to choose. I'll help you turn the volume down on fear, and crank up the voice of your own inner knowing, so you can navigate life with confidence long after our work together ends.
Radically Effective
Over 35,000 users reported improved wellbeing and relationships from using principles of Integrated Attachment Theory through the Personal Development School - the same methods I will teach you.
You've spent your life searching for security in other people's love, and it hasn't given you the lasting peace, confidence, and connection you've been longing for.
Building security within yourself will.
And that begins with reconditioning the subconscious patterns that taught you your safety depended on someone else choosing you.