Anxious Preoccupied
to Earned Secure
Rewire Your Fear of Abandonment and build relationships with people who cherish & choose you
When you fall in love, that person doesn't just become important to you. They become the emotional center of your world. Their presence can make an ordinary day feel magical. A loving text can lift your mood for hours. But when they cancel plans or delay replying to you, all of the color immediately drains from your world. Suddenly, nothing feels more important than trying to figure out what you did wrong, and stop them from slipping away. It's as though your heart has been re-located inside someone else's body, and now the quality of your entire life is a direct reflection of the quality of your connection with them.
You Think...
If I can create enough connection, enough pleasantness, enough value, & enough devotion, then surely they'll stay and choose me
This leads to...
you become very angry and upset when see your crush is active online, yet they haven’t replied to your last 4 messages.
you find yourself fantasizing about your wedding and future children after one good date with someone new. You rush intimacy with them in an effort to secure the connection.
your partner asks for space, so you wait a couple hours before showing up at their door with flowers and a hand written letter telling them all the things you think would help them feel better.
you feel taken for granted. You drop everything to cheer them up when they seem sad, you listen to them process their work drama for hours, you help them move, you do their chores, you babysit their dog, you even leave them alone so they can have space... and they still don't choose you.
you complain every day about your partner's excessive volunteer work or their video game addiction. You tell them they don't prioritize you, but you still stick with them because of their potential.
you stay in a relationship for years hoping to have kids with someone who says they do not want kids because you assume that they will eventually come around and change their mind.
the person you’re dating tells a racist joke. You feel offended, but you smile anyway because you're afraid to speak up. You tell yourself they’re really a good person at heart.
you make sure to tell your partner about your hot new co-worker so that they'll feel jealous and act possessive of you in a way that reassures you that they want you.
You know you're supposed to focus on yourself...
You try to keep busy with your own interests, but when your relationship gets stressful you stop painting, your dance class attendance becomes spotty, and your beach volleyball friends don't see you for weeks.
You lean on your sister for emotional support, but she violates your trust by talking about your personal life to all of your relatives. You know you need to set a boundary with her, but the thought of doing so causes you to crumble inside.
You fill your weekends with spa days and sound baths to help soothe and uplift you. Even though you feel very peaceful afterward, it doesn't take long before your abandonment wounds get triggered again and you're fighting for your life.
None of this reflects your worthiness to receive healthy committed love you can trust.
You want to build internal stability so that you can feel safe, cherished, and secure in relationships...
But you don't know how.
It's like something inside of you takes over the moment you feel you're about to be rejected or abandoned, and you launch into survival mode before you even realize what's happening.
Your childhood conditioned you to maintain connection at any cost, even if it means abandoning yourself.
But your conditioning is not permanent.
It can change!
It is possible to re-wire your abandonment wounds and pour into your deeply unmet emotional needs that cause you to repeatedly seek secure connection in relationships with people who cannot give it.
This is exactly what I teach in my Earned Secure coaching program!
Rewire your fear of abandonment by building the inner security you were never taught so that you can:
Recognize avoidant people early in dating so you don't invest in relationships with them. You'll see someone's emotionally unavailable patterns right away, and they will become instantly unattractive to you.
Train your subconscious to value self protection as much as it values connection so you'll notice earlier when something you're experiencing actually makes you feel bad, and you can make changes before you're too entrenched.
Calm your triggers so that when someone tries to take advantage of you or treats you with disrespect, you don't freak out on them. Instead, you process your emotions within yourself, identify what you need, and respond to the situation in a poised, empowered way.
Develop a clear set of standards and non-negotiables for yourself in all of your relationships, and learn how to uphold those through healthy, self-protective, kind communication -- without fear that speaking up will cost you connection.
Re-condition your childhood trauma that has you operating as though you can ONLY be soothed by other people, kratom, alcohol, cannabis, or anything outside of yourself.
Truly learn to love yourself. You'll deconstruct your mind's sneaky resistance to seeing and owning your accomplishments in a way that will skyrocket your self esteem and make you forget about posting thirst traps or fishing for reassurance.
Graciously allow someone to pay your way without feeling like you owe them something afterward. You'll gain the ability to actually receive the compliments, affection, praise & recognition you receive from others in a way that will cause your cup to overflow.
Learn that advocating for your standards and boundaries in real time actually makes the right people stick around. Healthy people want to know the real you, and they feel more comfortable with you if they know that you don't put yourself in physically or emotionally dangerous situations.
How 1:1 Earned Secure Coaching Works
I'll ask you some questions about your present-life circumstances to draw out and isolate your patterns.
I will use this info to develop a personalized program that outlines how we will resolve your challenges using Integrated Attachment Theory tools.
Each session, you will be guided through exercises and tools that will help you better understand yourself, re-condition your patterns of self abandonment at the root, and help you move in the direction of 'earned secure' attachment.
All of your work and the relevant exercises will be provided on a collaborative google doc, shared between you and me.
I will use the doc to teach and help you learn neuroplasticity tools & emotional literacy principles. With practice you will internalize them completely, and this doc will allow you to review them anytime you need.
In order to get the best possible results, independent work is essential. I'll work with you to streamline your necessary effort so that it fits easily into your morning or evening routine.
Typical Personalized Plan for APs
We start with the inner work to spoil your inner child & develop trustworthy, nurturing connection with yourself
Sessions 1-2:
Discovery Questions & Goal Setting
Session 3:
Core Wound Reprogramming
Sessions 4-5
Relationship Needs & Needs Literacy Training
Sessions 6
Nervous System Regulation
& Somatic Processing
Then, we take your regulated & strengthened self into navigating healthy relationships with others
Session 8:
Expectations & Coping Behaviors
Sessions 9-10:
Fearless, Empowered Boundaries that Protect Connection
Sessions 11-12:
Healthy Conflict Communication Strategies
All sessions take place via zoom. In-person sessions may be available for St Petersburg, FL locals.
You're in good company
Become part of a growing movement of people building healthy emotional literacy and conscious relationships
"Rachel’s coaching sessions are excellent. She listens, has a methodology, is helpful, patient analytical and intuitive. Helped me better understand my own needs, strengths and development areas. Highly recommend her coaching if you are looking to improve and invest in yourself."
C.B.
Devoted Husband, Finance Professional
"...while I can remember that these [traumatic] events happened, there’s no longer the ‘sticky’ tie or large emotional reactions. In fact, most of the time I have to try hard to remember the events surrounding the experience or even what my triggers were after the event. I’m grateful to Rachel for her understanding of early wounds and the impact on the subconscious; it has truly made a wonderful difference in my life."
C.B.
Mother, Yoga Teacher
On a personal note,
I spent half my life trying to change the negative patterns that kept repeating in my relationships. Therapy, contemplative practice, supportive mentors, and sheer determination helped me understand myself, but they didn't change the subconscious conditioning driving my behaviors. I eventually realized that what I needed to heal wasn't just how I relate to others. I needed to un-learn how I had been taught to speak to myself and treat my own emotions every moment of every day. Until I learned how to re-condition the core beliefs that caused me to reject myself before anyone else could, lasting change remained out of reach.
Everything changed when I began working directly with my subconscious mind. No one is born believing they're unworthy, unsafe, or unlovable. We learn those patterns, which means we can also unlearn them. Today, I'm passionate about helping people master the tools to heal the conditioning that blocks them from receiving healthy connection so they can experience greater emotional safety, self-respect, and fulfilling relationships.
Thank you for being here. It's a privilege to walk alongside you as you create that transformation for yourself.
In full support of you,
Rachel
Discover the Freedom of Secure Attachment
12-Session Program - Paid Per Session
$159 / Session
Coaching sessions typically take place every 2-3 weeks
Expect a small amount of daily homework between meetings