Dismissive Avoidant
to Earned Secure
How to find lasting, stable connection that respects your freedom & independence so that you can relax into relationships without losing yourself.
It’s like you were absent on the day they were giving out instructions for how to do relationships, and at this point you’ve concluded that you just aren’t cut out for closeness. You accept that this is just how you are. You tell yourself you’ve embraced the idea of growing old all alone, although, truthfully, you do get very lonely sometimes.
You’d like to share your life with someone...
You think:
I just want relationships to feel peaceful instead of draining.
But instead, you keep finding yourself in situations where:
When your partner wants you to comfort them emotionally, you don’t know what to do. You see their emotional neediness and something inside of you recoils.
Past partners would think about and want to talk about the relationship constantly. It gets really tedious when most conversations are about the relationship.
When it comes to emotional intimacy, you hit an invisible wall at a certain point of closeness, even with your children.
It feels like your partners did everything they could to win your love in the beginning, only to turn around and make you feel like nothing you gave was ever enough.
When someone wounds you, your first thought is "they're just being irrational". You never pause to notice that what they said or did hurt you. This leads you to build resentment that erodes trust and eventually causes you to leave relationships, seemingly out of nowhere.
You feel pressured to respond to every text, explain every delay, and reassure your partner constantly, until the relationship starts to feel suffocating.
Your partners stop reaching for you, and your relationships die from emotional loneliness, not because of explosive conflict.
You're constantly undervalued at work despite being excellent at your job, and rather than speaking up you play the peace keeper and end up in a role that you hate.
Instead of speaking up when your mother makes a dig at you, you stuff your frustration and pain down and pretend everything's fine.
It is easy to understand why you prefer to be alone, or keep relationships platonic.
Still, you see other people having a very different experience, and you can't help but wonder what that's about.
Your instinct that you must have missed something somewhere along the way that would finally make relationships make sense and feel good is actually really accurate.
This isn't a character defect or flaw;
it was an adaptation you made to the
conditions of your early life.
But it's a skillset that would serve you really well to have in your adult life.
You're relying on the subconscious survival strategies that once protected you, which leads to partners feeling shut out and you feeling misunderstood instead of building the calm, secure love your conscious mind has wanted all along.
You may be asking: So, what is this skillset that I never learned?
The skills that you never learned are called emotional attunement and co-regulation, and
they are the exact skills I will help you master in my Earned Secure coaching program.
Emotional Attunement &
Co-Regulation Are the KEYS to:
Loving companionship that respects your freedom to be independent without feeling pressured, or controlled, or anticipating that you'll have to disappoint someone by needing time alone.
A drama-free, harmonious romantic connection where conflicts are resolved through healthy, calm communication. You can disagree without assuming someone will leave or that you'll have to disappear to reclaim your peace.
Receiving the recognition and appreciation you deserve for being the stable, clear, rational, and extraordinarily helpful person you are.
Discovering that nothing terrible happens when you let someone see the parts of you that are tired, uncertain, or struggling. They don't become disappointed. They don't demand more than you can give. They simply understand.
Peaceful openness replaces irritability, anger, and defensiveness. You're more open to the good things in life, including more achievement and success, because you've stopped pre-disqualifying yourself from going after the opportunities you really want.
How 1:1 Earned Secure Coaching Works
I'll ask you some questions about your present-life circumstances to draw out and isolate your patterns.
I will use this info to develop a personalized program that outlines how we will resolve your challenges using Integrated Attachment Theory tools.
Each session, you will be guided through exercises and neuroplasticity tools that will help you better understand yourself, re-condition your self-limiting patterns at the root, and help you move in the direction of 'earned secure' attachment.
All of your work and the relevant exercises will be provided on a collaborative google doc, shared between you and me.
I will use the doc to teach and help you learn subconscious reprogramming tools & emotional literacy principles. With practice you will internalize them completely, and this doc will allow you to review them anytime you need.
In order to get the best possible results, independent work is essential. I'll work with you to streamline your necessary effort so that it fits easily into your morning or evening routine.
Typical Personalized Plan for DAs
We start with the inner work to develop emotional attunement and co-regulation with yourself
Sessions 1-2:
Discovery Questions & Goal Setting
Session 3:
Nervous System Regulation
& Somatic Processing tools to slowly build familiarity & comfort with your own emotions
Sessions 4-5:
Self hypnosis tools to reprogram the core wounds that trick you into believing it's unsafe to be seen & known by others
Sessions 6-7
Needs Literacy Training to help you understand yourself deeply and prime your subconscious to receive your needs
Then, we take your regulated & attuned self into navigating healthy relationships with others
Session 8:
Life audit to discover what small, moment to moment boundaries you need + give you the language to communicate them
Sessions 9-10:
Exposure-response tool to carefully & incrementally support communicating your desires and boundaries to others
Sessions 11-12:
Conflict Communication frameworks that make conflicts interesting and rewarding instead of dreadful.
12-Session Program - Paid Per Session
$159 / Session
Coaching sessions typically take place every 2-3 weeks
Expect a small amount of daily homework between meetings
All sessions take place via zoom. In-person sessions may be available for St Petersburg, FL locals.
"Rachel’s coaching sessions are excellent. She listens, has a methodology, is helpful, patient analytical and intuitive. Helped me better understand my own needs, strengths and development areas. Highly recommend her coaching if you are looking to improve and invest in yourself."
-C.B.
Solution Focused
We don't dwell on the past. We work with how the past is showing up in your life & relationships today, and give you practical skills & tools that will make an immediate difference.
Bust Attachment Myths
Attachment styles aren't permanent. We harness neuroplasticity to rewire the subconscious beliefs and behavior patterns that create secure, fulfilling relationships.
Client Centered
You are the expert on your own life. I won't tell you who to be or what to choose. I'll help you turn the volume down on fear, and crank up the voice of your own inner knowing, so you can navigate life with confidence long after our work together ends.
Radically Effective
Over 35,000 users reported improved wellbeing and relationships from using principles of Integrated Attachment Theory through the Personal Development School - the same methods I will teach you.
You've spent your whole life relying on independence, logic, and emotional self-sufficiency to navigate relationships, and it hasn't given you the calm, fulfilling partnership you're looking for.
Building the capacity to stay present with yourself and the people you love will. That starts with reconditioning the subconscious patterns that taught you intimacy wasn't safe.